6.00 am – Toddler up, stands on our bed and yells out HI! as she tries to perform a piledriver on both Carl and me. At least she’s driven.
6.15 am – Comforter pulled over my head, toddler keeps bouncing on our bed babbling about who knows what – it’s too early for this shit, isn’t it?
6.15 am to 7.50 am – I yell at the toddler to LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE MOMMY ALONE! Somehow, Carl sleeps through all of this. What is this super power he has?
8.00 am – I yell at the kids to get their asses in the car because we’re gonna be late for school. Again. The third time this week. No one listens to me. Instead, the toddler tries to give Prince some butter. So that’s how you make friends.
8.45 am – I give the toddler a banana. She takes one bite out of it and tells me she’s all done. I give her cereal instead.
9.05 am – I really hate watching Team Umizoomi.
9.30 am – Another episode of Team Umizoomi. I can’t take these stupid songs anymore.
9.45 am – The toddler is drenched in cereal and almond milk. A lovely combination. Her highchair is sticky and the dog can’t stop licking her legs. Guess that’s the next best thing to a bath.
10.00 am – Dora the Explorer. Please. Save. Me.
10.05 am – I dance and sing to a song that reminds me too much of going to the dentist and getting my teeth drilled. The toddler claps and says MORE!
Noon – Lunchtime! I’m happy. The baby is being a butt. She hates everything I give her. Fine, I say. Don’t eat anything. I sit down to enjoy my oh-so delicious grilled cheese sandwich with arugula and tomato. The toddler sits next to me and takes the other half. We glare at one another for a very long time.
Noon.30 – Naptime! But the toddler refuses to sleep. I put on Curious George so I can snooze on the sofa. I sleep for five minutes.
1.00 pm – Prince, the toddler and I go outside to blow bubbles.
1.10 pm – The toddler cries because Prince has just spilled the bubbles bottle.
1.25 pm – We’re being chased into the house by baby ducks that won’t leave us the fuck alone. The toddler thinks this is hysterical and tries to pick one up. Momma duck quacks and violently flies towards me. Ducks are deceptively fast.
2.00 pm – Cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry. This is difficult to do when the dog won’t leave my side and the toddler insists she needs to be carried. This is my version of Game of Thrones and I’m totally losing.
2.20 pm – Pick-up older kids at school. Wishing they were old enough to drive already.
2.45 pm – Stuck in carpool hell. What did I ever do to deserve this?
2.55 pm – The toddler is mad because her sippy cup has fallen under my car seat. DIVA!
3.00 to 9.00 pm – I don’t even know where the time goes. I should be working, but waste time surfing the interwebs, yelling at kids, thinking about what we should have for dinner (take-out, again? Yes, definitely yes) and wishing it was bedtime.
9.30pm – The toddler is finally in bed. She tosses and turns and keeps talking to me. I ignore her and then…
Even the littlest monster has to sleep at some point.