I told the toddler to stop picking your nose and under my breath because those moms over there are staring at us. Again!

Actually, I didn’t care who the fuck was looking at us, but the toddler seems a little self-conscious when she knows someone is watching her and she pays a little more attention to me. This tactic works about fifteen percent of the time. So yes, I’ll be using it again.

She tried to stick a spoon of frozen yogurt in her nose with a napkin. A mini peanut butter cup became wedged in her nostril. She giggled, sneezed – the mini peanut butter cup flew into her bowl – and then she proceeded to eat said confection.

The 8-year-old leaned over from where he was sitting and glanced into her bowl and asked: are you gonna eat the rest of that? Because I’m still hungry.

This is why we don’t send our kids to school before kindergarten age and why people usually move to a different table, far, far away from our family.

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