So, I was in the hospital last week and I learned a few things:
Carl cannot carry my fat ass. I remember him picking me up from the floor of our bedroom and making me walk down the stairs. Either that or he dropped me a few times and my brain is more damaged than before gastroenteritis is not the same as gastronomy doctors don’t know everything. The doctor said I suffered from syncope. I asked him if he knew Christopher Nolan and he said You mean, Christopher Robin?
Don’t laugh, guffaw, snort, chortle or fart when the doctor even mentions vasovagal it’s not a good idea to watch a movie like Crash (the Paul Haggis movie, NOT the David Cronenberg movie where crazy-ass people are paraphiliacs) while in the hospital. Wait. Hell, it’s probably not a good idea to watch either when someone is putting a needle in your arm for the IV, avoid using clches like Fuck you! I could do better with my left toe!
If you have a CAT scan performed on your brain, don’t start having a panic attack and think you’re going to get stuck inside and holy shit you’re suddenly on an episode of House. And your brain may spontaneously explode.
keep away from Jell-O. Two words: Soylent. Green.
The Call Nurse button is different than the Turn TV On button. The nurses will riot if you press it more than five times in two minutes bite your tongue, bite your tongue if the nurse says Uranus it’s okay to lie when the nurse asks if you need the bedpan. You do not want the bedpan. It’s a butt killer you will elicit zero laughter when you ask for a prescription for medical marijuana and then recite a Matthew McConaughey line from Dazed and Confused the windows don’t open. You can’t escape wheelchairs can be used as a torture device they don’t sanitize the phone I’ve already asked and no, Dr. Meridith Grey does not work at this hospital nurses are trained to kill you with the blood pressure cuff