The one where everything goes to hell

I wake up a minute before my alarm goes off. Surely, it must be the weekend. Carl is wound up in a blanket so tightly, I’m afraid his body may burst from the pressure and then I’ll be left to clean-up the mess. The toddler’s diaper is totally full of pee, but I don’t want to wake her because she’s in a deep sleep, smiling and eating something in her dreams. She is so definitely my child.

But then the 8-year-old pops his head in the door. He doesn’t even need to say anything.

We’re late for school.

I do a one second mouth rinse with my eyes half closed. I wash my face. Barely. I quickly pump some moisturizer into my hands and slather it over my face and holy hell what is that burning sensation on my skin?

My eyes are open now and I pick up the moisturizer bottle. It isn’t moisturizer that is slowly widening every pore on my face and making each cell scream in agony. It is hand sanitizer.

This is what happens when you stay up until three-thirty in the morning catching up on episodes of Dexter.

We’re so late and I’m so out of it, I don’t rinse anything off, but just swipe a towel over my face to take off excess hand sanitizer, but this only rubs it in even more and I yelp. Carl yells out “Prince! Be quiet!”

As I throw clothes on and pull my hair into something that looks like a bird’s nest, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I am, sadly, not surprised.

I am the asian Bea Arthur.

I don’t have time to consider if this makes Carl Estelle Getty or Betty White.

As the kids hop out of the car and walk into school, I look out and watch another mom having a frantic morning. She’s yelling, her arms flailing about like a squid out of water: “My God! My God! My Rover! My Rover!” Her daughter has spilled crackers or some shit all over the floor of her beloved car.

Fuck, lady. Get in the back of the goddamn line. My face is fucking burning off right now.

I want to burn her Range Rover to the ground, while throwing animal crackers all over the car and at her, while taking swigs of vodka out of a flask.

Is this my dark passenger emerging?

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